


birth of a religion

by cosmic strings (electrick)



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: 5x03, Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 14:34:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2815598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electrick/pseuds/cosmic%20strings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chuck's perspective through his and Blair's conversation in 5x03.</p>
            </blockquote>





	birth of a religion

#06 build

The moment Blair says that the she’s pregnant, it’s surreal. He turns to face her and in that moment, he can imagine their life together with a baby.

Chuck and Blair holding hands. Chuck and Blair going to the movies. He wishes he could take what he had said on that fateful day back in high school all back because that’s all he can see for them now.

She adds that it’s Louis’ and his dream shatters as quickly as it was built. Suddenly, it’s Louis with Blair and the said child doing everything with his family, but it should be Chuck. Louis doesn’t know her like he does. After all they’ve been through, they both know it should be Chuck with her.

But it’s Louis’ baby and that’s that. His fantasy breaks as he finally replies to her.

“That’s very considerate.” The sentence is short and clipped, because he shouldn’t say anymore. It’s taking every inch of self control he has to stay seated and not run to her, hold her in his arms. He clutches the glass in his hand firmly and he’s afraid it’s going to break but what she says next stumps him.

“Yes, well, if I know anything about Chuck Bass, it’s that fatherhood isn’t part of the lifestyle,” she breathes out and he knows that she’s saying it to remind herself why this is wrong because she couldn’t be that cruel. Blair knows that Chuck would do anything for his child, at least to ensure that no one else should suffer through what Chuck endured as a child.

The rest of their conversation flies past his mind but all he can linger on to is what she said before she left.

“There is a part of me that really wanted it to be your’s.”

Chuck sighs heavily as he finally releases the glass on the table. It shakes in response and he realizes that he wasn’t as careful as he thought he was. His hands are shaking, trembling as he covers his face.

He wanted the baby to be his, too. It would give him a connection to Blair and he would have happiness once again. He wants Blair and he wants his child. He wanted it all and to be stripped of (the idea of ) his child with Blair was ruthless and cruel.  

There’s a deep sob that echoes through the empty suite. Monkey runs up to Chuck’s feet and circles his owner, as if that would provide him comfort. His heart is breaking and he’s afraid that he’s lost his only chance at happiness. He walks over to his bed and slips off his shoes before lying atop his covers.

Everything is stifled and his heart echoes in his hollow chest, aching for Blair’s return. He deeply regrets his decision to let her go but he has to stand by it. Blair deserves nothing but the best and Chuck Bass isn’t the best. He’s reminded of the pain that he’s put Blair through and realizes that it would be worse for any child to endure.

He turns on his side and he closes his eyes to sustain the threatening tears. There’s no point in acting strong. What’s the use of keeping it all locked in? He wishes he could drink himself into a stupor and magically, every feeling, every inch of pain would be concealed with alcohol until it no longer existed.

But Chuck has to be better. He’s not a boy anymore. A man faces his decisions and he deals with emotions, instead of numbing them. It’s no longer an option. He has to grow up.

He exhales a shaky breath, and that seems to be a catalyst as tears roll his face, marking his skin. He laughs at the irony of it all - the great Chuck Bass, crying alone in his bed.

The tie is a noose on his neck and he pulls it down, drags it along the sleek material of his shirt without bothering to unbutton any of it. It’s suddenly hard to breathe and the stupid tie must be the reason why. He tugs and tugs until it slips off and then he grazes the skin covering his collarbone, as if that would lessen the constricting feeling.

He vows to be a better man, if not for Blair then for the child he should have had with her.


End file.
